


Grow As We Go

by enbyinaband



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cocaine, Drug Addiction, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, M/M, Marijuana, Rehabilitation, Relapsing, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses, Therapy, Unsympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:15:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24362671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbyinaband/pseuds/enbyinaband
Summary: This fic wouldn't have gone as well as it did without the help of my friend, Joey! Much love!
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	Grow As We Go

_They didn't know snakes can hear their prey, can't try to break the psyche down._

"AIDS… 1 to 2 years left…"

Those words repeated in Logan's mind as he tried to carry on as normal, making sure his husband was comfortable despite his depressing quietness. The diagnosis should have been comforting, at least to his affection for academia, but all it did was confirm that Janus was going to die.

He tried to hide how hard it hit, not wanting his husband to worry when he would be doing most of it. Yet even he was not immune to having the rug ripped out from underneath even as he looked for a distraction in looking up side effects to the thirteen medications listed, "Well, at least we have a good premium."

"As if our insurance will cover them all," Janus scoffed, scowling at the living room floor of their small, two story house, "It's what I deserve for being a druggie."

"Don't talk like that, hon. You've redeemed yourself."

"Not in the eyes of your God."

"Jan, you know I'm agnostic."

"Got me there," he let out, sharing a weak chuckle at his own expense before it choked off violently, "Sorry, I'm at a loss…"

"I know you are, I am too."

"How're we going to afford this? Between our incomes we could probably only afford a few."

"I'll talk to Patton when I go into work tomorrow, he should have some advice."

Janus, nicknamed Deceit for the lesions that had started forming on the left side of his face, hummed in response. He wanted nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare, but until he did he was lashing out, so rather than make a snide remark about a mutual friend that would later be regretted he fell back into a numbing silence. Six years ago, Deceit had hit rock bottom, the injection sites all along his inner arms served as the sediment that had made those jagged stalagmites that had broken his body, and Logan had stayed by his side. He still couldn't figure out why Logan put up with him during the withdrawals and Substance Abuse Anonymous meetings. How could he withstand having such a horrible husband?

"Jani," the studious one called quietly to retrieve him from inner demons, offering over a steaming mug smelling of vanilla and honey, "You're stuck in your head again."

"Kind of hard not to these days," he retorted half-heartedly, accepting the unicorn mug he had gifted the person in front of him for an anniversary through the decade, "Then again, even thinking hurts."

"That's what I'm here for, remember?"

"Mr. Calendar Keeper, yes," he countered quickly, leaning over to press a peck into Logan's cheek before taking a long sip of the beverage in hand, "It's one of the many qualities I admire about you."

"Enough to marry me."

Trying to be careful not to start another coughing fit, Janus gave a light laugh he wished to linger on despite it being devoid of humor. Janus was so happy to relax and forgive his body for a bit as he cuddled up next to his husband, laying his head over Logan’s shoulder, “So calm, wish it would be this way every night."

"Well, I figured you could use it after…" Logan trailed off so as not to upset the other again when it seemed like he was calming down, "Is there anything else I can get you? Are you comfortable?"

A fear of life started to settle in; instinct, though it wouldn't tell him why, started to act in ways of self-preservation. His husband could not know what his intentions were as he left everything else behind to those he deemed deserving despite not having a will drawn out, "Not that I can think of. You're going to have to turn in soon anyway, so I can go to bed with you."

"You need me more than the hospital."

"Oh? I might as well be one of your patients then."

"If it didn't violate conduct, you know I'd take you on," 

"You're a psychiatrist, I'm just a terminally ill bastard," Janus tried to joke, but it didn't land quite right with the edge of self-deprecating humor he had adopted long ago when the disease was less lethal, "It's okay to laugh, Loganberry."

"I don't want to make fun of your condition."

Janus fell silent after that solemn statement, because he wanted to as the person infected after suffering years of hard addiction and unprotected sex. His husband only knew half of it, but all the same he had accepted him regardless of a psy life guided by recklessness. He wanted-no, needed- to objectify this ugly part of himself as the constant thought of who he could be instead had he not put cocaine into his veins or had used a condom more often would not leave. He was, reasonably, angry not just due to the lack of foresight, but for making the love of his life suffer along with him.

What a long road he took, to torture Logan like this…

Left unsupervised during the next few days, Janus catalogued all of his earthly possessions and left the most important to his husband, the more specific items being divided amongst the few friends he still had after being given a limited lifespan by a specialist. Then came writing a farewell note to Logan that spanned over ten pages long, paperclipped neatly alongside a drawing of a two-headed snake that was encoded so it would take him at least a few hours to decipher it. That was his partner, ever the intellectual! That thought alone made Janus smile weakly as he left it on his pillow before locking the door to their shared bedroom.

"Like old times, eh?" he asked aloud, scoffing softly as he removed the sack of powder from a hidden panel in a bedside drawer he had crafted long ago when all his money went to the habit, his dealer surprised to see him again after being cut off cold turkey, "One last high to ride out of here."

Rehabilitation had been nothing short of suffering as his body detoxified and found a balance without the substance in his system. The powdery drug had been replaced by multiple medications that would only slow the progression of the HIV strand and not stop it altogether, so it was only natural to revert back since it would distract a weakened immune system from fighting to keep alive. It was somewhat amusing, that he was a failure all around, as his shaky hands pieced together the syringe, the 26 gauge needle pulled back as it filled up while his other hand secured the rope ready to snap his frail neck.

He sat in the center of a navy blue comforter as he rolled up his right sleeve, pulling out the drawstring of his sweatpants to create a makeshift tourniquet. No time for disinfecting the site, he decided since tonight had already been designated for dying, as he looked down at paper thin skin to find the first available blue line. A somewhat satisfied sigh slipped out as the tip pinpricked the selected vein even though it meant an end to sobriety in favor of one last moment of euphoria. He let the immediate high wash over like a warm current preceding a hurricane, reminded of how burns his husband's hand from using a pipe showed his inexperience as opposed to pockmarked scars on both forearms; he hoped the relapse wouldn't be held against him.

"Guess it's time to go. I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, hon, but you'll read all about it soon." he mused sadly five minutes later, shaky legs threatening to buckle as he touched the noose, looking down at the softly carpeted ground.

At least Logan would not have to worry about precautions going forward.

_beep… beep… beep…_

Cold, white walls was not how Janus imagined an afterlife, if he still believed in one, but that was purgatory for someone who had gone back to horrible habits. All he was able to hear came through as if he was underwater, lungs nearly collapsing as panic set in when he realized those were not the trumpets of Heaven, but the steady note of an A major chord chiming every few seconds. The only question was who had bothered to save his dying, limp body?

"Are you related to the patient?" a nearby nurse, he guessed by the sound of their voice, asked as was mandatory protocol.

"I'm his husband," Logan stated matter-of-factly in an attempt to hide the concern that Janus could easily discern, "His family won't talk to us, not since his first diagnosis since they blame me."

Janus would have given a well-timed scoff had his throat not been rubbed raw by the rope he had failed to tie securely. As far as he was concerned, Logan _was_ his only family, for he had not once shown signs of leaving his side despite the increasing symptoms that were taking him further away from a long, married life together, whereas his parents had called him so many slurs because of someone else's carelessness that now infected him. It was their loss, but as far as the nurse knew that was the penultimate point that had influenced his decision.

"Are you aware there are traces of cocaine in his system, Dr. Dolus?"

"I didn't see anything except for his almost lifeless body hanging in midair."

That was a surprise, Logan was usually so observant.

"So, you had no idea he had access to the drug?"

"He's been sober for seven years… I was with him during those days, he seemed genuinely relieved to not need it anymore."

"I see, thank you for the information. I'll be back to check on him, but if there any drastic changes call for me immediately."

"Of course."

Tense silence filtered around as did the sterile air, yet Janus dared not to break it for fear of his husband giving a lecture over the failed attempt. Surely, Logan was smart enough to figure out why he hit with a combination rather than a one-off attack.

"I know you're awake, somewhat."

Cue the internal groan. Of course he could tell that Janus was faking being unconscious, he had a doctorate after all, but that did not mean he was going to immediately confront that he had tried to commit the act of no longer being alive. The self-loathing would eventually return when he came to a clear consciousness, which was why he was avoiding making the first move; if he didn't move, he was presumed dead. 

"I'm not going to blame you for what you did, it just means you need help."

"I refuse to see a therapist who isn't Picani." Janus said sternly, swearing silently at not being able to ignore the paranoia that came with being suicidal.

"You may not have a choice. 

"This could easily be avoided had I used more. Then again, you were able to undo the noose, so that could also be improved."

"Stop, you're lucky you didn't cause a vein to collapse," Logan tried to cover his concern with pointing out the details that could have also contributed to his death. Honestly, he was worried that Janus was already recounting the errors in planning on making another attempt foolproof, "Your health is already compromised, Jan."

"Don't you think I know that?!"

"Well, what do we have here, another patient who won't cooperate?" a nasally voice piped up seemingly out of nowhere, which caused Janus to open his mismatched eyes and see a moustached man hovering closer than what would be considered a comfortable distance, "Nothing I can't take care of!"

"Remus, I wish I could say it was a pleasure seeing you."

"Oh, you don't have to flatter me, Logan!"

"You… know each other?"

"We work in the same ward, so we're acquaintances." Logan confirmed simply and to the point.

"And since he can't care for you on a professional level, that's why they sent me! So, if you wouldn't mind leaving me alone with Mr. Dolus so I can assess him, that'd be lovely."

"He won't open up easily to someone he isn't familiar…"

"Let me do my damn job, will you?"

"Don't talk to my husband like that!" Janus hissed, his forked tongue flickering furiously, "And I already have a therapist, thank you very much."

"Oh right, you're a patient of that shrink, Emile. How did his advice turn out for you?"

"Shut your filthy mouth!"

"Now, if you wouldn't mind fucking off, Logan, I can start. Or do I need to call security?"

Logan's jaw set squarely at the threat, wanting to challenge his co-worker even though he knew it would not work in his favor. Not wanting to compromise his career since they relied so heavily on that income, he reluctantly backed down, "...Fine. If you mistreat him in any way, you'll rue this day."

"Are you threatening me?!"

"No, it's a promise."

With that, Janus was left alone with this strange, no-holds-bars therapist after sharing a smooch with his partner. Even when he had been screened for the few rehabilitation centers he had self-admitted to he had been able to keep Logan close by since it became apparent rather quickly that he was codependent, so to not have that anchorage while meeting with a new doctor of any kind was overwhelming, to say the least. He refused to say a word for forty-five minutes, he could play this game. If it hadn't been for Dr. Picani's unorthodox approach of incorporating cartoons into his practice and mentioned Steven Universe then it would have taken more than two sessions to open up to the man. 

"Janus, you need to cooperate if you want to see him again."

His heart sank, but he still stayed silent, glaring at the hostile attempt at getting him to contribute to the one-sided conversation.

"You're wasting both of our times," Remus remarked, not caring how rudely it came off, he just wanted to be done with this patient whom he deemed not worth the effort as he got a few inches from the sickly face, "You must understand that, or did the lack of oxygen already mess with your brain?"

"Don't. Touch. Me." Janus let out laboriously as he tried to shrink away from the menacing nan, eyes blurring with hot tears. Why did Logan have to leave?

"Now you speak, finally. Y'know, I don't blame you for the attempt."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're aids ridden and don't have much time left," Remus replied casually, smirking at the recoil from the patient, "That's what happens when you whore yourself out."

"Are you done ridiculing my partner?"

"Logan, do I need to tell the boss that you're being a pain in my ass?"

"No need, Remus, I've seen all I need." 

The therapist paled at the added voice before he turned to see another man dressed in a patchwork purple suit with a tie that matched. From the judgmental look he was receiving, Remus knew without asking just how much he had overheard;. Luckily, this was the only time Virgil had caught him performing misconduct, so he should only get a slap on the wrist; minimal damage compared to what he deserved.

"Care to explain what you're doing?"

"Well, you see sir, he wasn't responding to any of my questions. Figured I'd get him to if I brought up something personal."

*By bringing up information that isn't relevant?" Logan asked, unable to stop himself as he went to his partner's side to provide protection.

"I'm sorry, but it was necessary to-"

"No, it wasn't!" Janus interrupted, getting flustered as everyone turned attention to him, trembling as he tried to stifle the oncoming coughing fit, "This could've been avoided if you let Logan stay with me."

"It's clear that he's a stressor. I can only imagine that also drove you to trying to end it."

"How _dare_ you?! Insulting me and my husband, threatening me, bringing up an illness I'm not proud of having… Only to pretend that--" he was cut off by a rough cough that he could not keep under control, leaning into Logan for support. 

"Oh come on, that's not a symptom! He's obviously faking it to keep his husband from leaving."

"That's not true!"

"I'm surprised you're still married with your body count."

"I never asked. Not his fault a past fling lied about their HIV status," Logan brought up, trying to remain calm despite the accusations being made, "The number of specialists we've seen would beg to differ."

"I find that hard to believe…"

"I've heard enough, Remus. I'll meet you in my office momentarily," Virgil spoke sternly, seeing how the situation was stressing the couple on top of what had admitted Janus into the unit to begin with, "As for reassigning your case to someone else, Logan is the only other option."

"We have a therapist, he'd be willing to communicate with you, sir."

"And who would that be?"

"Dr. Emile Picani."

Anxiety overtook Janus' weakened body at the thought that his husband's boss would deny the suggestion, stomach still clenched even after it was approved as long as Dr. Picani would get in contact with him immediately. Clearly relieved despite his demeanor, he collapsed against Logan who smelled of his usual, fading musk of cedar mixed with ink that seemed to be covering a large amount of sweet; must have been a hard day of handling physically violent patients and rushing a loved one into urgent care.

"Lo, how did you know to come home early?"

"I requested shorter hours and it went into effect today."

"How convenient…" he let out slightly spiteful, but he kept the self-deprecating humor inside.

"Quite right."

How curious that such a valuable member of the medical team was being allowed such accommodations, yet Janus would not complain. His priority was focused on getting discharged so they could go home even if it was impossible to return to before his attempt, he would lay low for a while and try to better his fragile mental state, try and focus on anything that wasn't the last reason he had to stay alive; enough of people taking hatred out on him when he was perfectly capable of doing that himself. Luckily, only a few more days passed of being in that bleakly blank room until Virgil brought in the paperwork that would grant the dying man the ability to leave for somewhere more comfortable, familiar, to live out his last days.

The drive home was peaceful compared to how he could only imagine it had been a few days prior for Logan. His husband had personally rushed Janus to the hospital rather than wait 40 minutes on an ambulance, which would have normally been a point of contention worth a long-winded rant. Not today. The only spoken words exchanged being the minimal amount needed to order food from a local Chinese restaurant that was within walking distance of their apartment despite Janus claiming he had no appetite.

"We can fix that, you barely are in the hospital."

"No offense, but the food there's too bland even for me."

"None taken, love," Logan let out as the engine started to shut off in their paved driveway, escorting the other inside as he carried their takeout, "Don't start lunch without me, 'kay?"

"Not a problem."

While Janus went ahead and unboxed the meal, he could hear the distinct click of a wooden box being opened to retrieve a valuable substance that was the only way to endure more than a few bites would be taken out of crab Rangoon and shrimp lo mein. Taking the sender cyan pipe between a shaky thumb and forefinger, he waited for the lemon scented and flavored yellow green buds to be lit before two hits were filtered through his frail lungs. Granted, it would accentuate the coughing spells he siat out more frequently, but the cannabis quickly kicked in enough for him to scarf down the whole bag of combined cream cheese and crab, the pipe passed over to his husband in the meantime; it had been their norm behind closed doors since Janus had gotten the prescription. Maybe their life wouldn't take too long to seem like it had been those few days ago.

"Lo… You never told me how you got off work so easily."

"Does it matter?'

"Just doesn't make sense, like… wouldn't Virgil keep you on staff?"

"I've worked my ass off for fifteen years," he tried to state flatly, but cut off by a contagious chuckle, "I guess I played hard to get long enough."

Janus laughed along with him, at first authentically and then forced when he realized what his husband meant. Since his HIV status had morphed into a more lethal diagnosis, the two had decided that being intimate was not the most important part of their relationship, focusing on other ways of spending limited time together and never considered that he would pursue it from someone else. Why shouldn't he? Logan was quite a catch, but to not talk openly about it when every other conversation had been cut him deeper than the act of cheating.

"You slept with your boss?"

"To be able to stay at home with you and still get paid."

"I see," Janus mused, his stoned mind trying to make sense of that claim, of the superiority complex that came out of nowhere from his partner, "Could you give me a moment, dear?"

"Oh, certainly."

Not missing a beat, Janus slipped from the loose arm wrapped around his shoulders from atop the couch cushions and went upstairs, not looking back as hot tears started to seer his sight. Once on the second floor, he threw open the golden latch to a set of window paned doors and walked out onto the balcony ready to return to a freedom he had so long been denied.

Later today, he would make sure to take twice as much from the last of his powdered stash.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic wouldn't have gone as well as it did without the help of my friend, Joey! Much love!


End file.
